Every year at work I auction off a poem a week to one person in our charity auction. Here are some sample poems that I've written for past winners.


A poem about The Big Potato

Beneath the hat and squinting eyes
a welcome smile so wide that hides
the ill intent that lives inside.

The Orwellian spud bends his will
to watch all over Maugerville
learn its secrets and fear install.

But knowing that, what can you do?
There's no escape, you can't break loose.
The Big Potato's watching you.


A haiku about a black hole

Trap door out in space,
Please don't spaghettify me.
I'm just passing by.


A haiku about the pandemic

Do you remember
Seeing strangers's whole faces?
A lot of them smiled.


A long poem about a D&D game

My companions and I were sought
To guard and secure the king's vault
To keep it safe from intruders
To find and fix all of its faults
But at the close of that mission
A darkness swept over the land
Our world was in need of heroes
The king turned again to our band

The necromancer had returned
His undead army marching forth
We set out on a secret quest
Away up in the frozen north
For in the Giants' land twas told
There was an artifact of power
A weakness of that evil mage
Hid away in a curs'd tower

We told the giants of past quests
I entertained them with some song
They toasted us and drained their horns
And promised not to lead us wrong
Their chief produced a map for us
That would lead us to the tower
Then feasted us and bid us rest
For late had grown the weary hour

We hiked for days through forest thick
Until the tower was before us
We took some hours to circle wide
And find an entrance with no fuss
A cart by night we could approach
Hay-filled under a low window
My cousin Gaben went in first
To scout about on his tip-toes

Finding no foes he lowered a rope
So the rest of us could join him
Dappy went next, then brave Oshborn,
I followed with our Dwarven friend
Gaben listening at the door
Heard neither voices nor footsteps
The door he opened just a crack
No one he saw so he slipped out
Into a hall full of cobwebs

He looked to the right and leftward
He turned to give us the all-clear
We watched, mouths agape in horror
From above a spider appeared
Gaben ducked and dodged the stinger
Right before it could pierce his back
Dappy was quick to recover
He drew his blades for an attack

He slashed into the great spider
Oshborn dished out an eldritch blast
With Dwarven prayer and my arrow
We took care of that spider fast
We cut the webs and left the hall
Moved carefully around a trap
Found skeletal guards at the stairs
But felled them in an easy scrap

And up the stairs more guards and foes
Every battle more momentous
At the top of the tower we found
The necromancer's apprentice
His victim tied to a table
His dark rite not yet completed
We fought with blade and magic 'til
The vile servant was defeated

We searched the room until we found
The dark wizard's phylactery
We made haste back to the kingdom
And found the capital besieged
Dwarf and warlock worked magic 'gainst
Talisman that contained his soul
His undead army wavered when
It shattered and he lost control

And in his weakened state I found
I knew just how to play my part
I put an arrow to my bow
And fired it through his ancient heart
And as he fell a cheer went out
That turned to joyous upheaval
And that my friends is how we saved
Our kingdom from that great evil


A poem about the early internet

Weird little sites prompting hours in a
Wonderful click trance through
Web rings and random links
no like buttons or share widgets
to help find the good stuff back then
just the dial up modem handshake screech
then chance and word of mouth
and late nights in front of crt monitors


Two limericks about software development

I found myself facing some problems
So I wrote some code just to solve ‘em.
Well I ran that code,
To see how it goed,
And now I have two more new problems.

The old dev said to me with a smirk,
Look I don't mean to sound like a jerk.
I don't give a shit,
What code you commit,
As long as you break none of my work.


A poem about an incompetent wizard trying to cast a spell to get multiple musical instruments to play themselves together

Cello, viola, flute and bell
Play me a tune and it play it well
Ah, yes, I failed to specify
you all play the same song. Next try!

In 3/4 time, the key is A
Flute, andante cantibile
Bell provide the punctuation
Strings you're for melodization

All together, follow my wand
A one an a - already wrong
One last try, or into the fire
Follow my lead, I'll play this lyre

Yes, yes, you're getting it now bell
And cello! Viola as well!
You should come in now flute. Join us!
All together for the chorus!

No! Terrible cacaphony!
Maybe it's time to accept that
I don't have the music in me
Nor the magic under my hat.